Parents often tell me one of two things.
“My child is really confident.”
Or…
“My child has no confidence.”
Whenever I hear that, I find myself thinking the same thing.
I don’t think confidence is quite that straightforward.
Over the years, I’ve realised that confidence changes.
Sometimes from one moment to the next.
A moment I notice every week
One of the clearest examples happens in dance class.
When children are learning a new routine, the teacher stands at the front of the room, demonstrating every movement.
Everyone follows along.
The room feels confident.
Then, at some point, the teacher steps back.
After all, they won’t be standing there during the performance.
That’s when something fascinating happens.
You see little side glances.
Children quickly checking what everyone else is doing.
Because suddenly, the reassurance has disappeared.
It’s such a tiny moment.
Most parents would probably never notice it.
But it says a lot.
Confidence depends on the situation
I’ve seen children who will happily perform in front of hundreds of people…
…but freeze when asked to introduce themselves to someone new.
I’ve seen children who chat confidently all morning…
…then suddenly become unsure when they’re learning something unfamiliar.
I’ve seen children who look nervous at the beginning of a class…
…and an hour later are laughing louder than anyone else.
That’s why I’ve stopped thinking of confidence as something children either have or don’t have.
I think it’s much more fluid than that.
Sometimes uncertainty looks like a lack of confidence
One of the easiest things to misread is hesitation.
A child who hangs back.
Looks around.
Watches everyone else first.
It’s tempting to think,
“They’re not confident.”
But often they’re simply gathering information.
They’re working out:
- Is this safe?
- Do I understand what I’m supposed to do?
- Am I doing it the same as everyone else?
Once those questions are answered, many children relax almost immediately.
Confidence grows in lots of little moments
People often imagine confidence arrives all at once.
I’ve never really seen it happen that way.
More often, it grows quietly.
One successful experience.
One mistake that wasn’t a disaster.
One new friend.
One moment of thinking,
“Actually… I can do this.”
Those little moments gradually build into something much bigger.
The thing I've learnt
I don’t think children wake up one morning and suddenly become confident.
I think confidence changes depending on where they are, who they’re with and how safe they feel.
That’s good news.
Because it means confidence isn’t fixed.
It can grow.
Sometimes much more quickly than any of us expect.
