“What time are we leaving?”
You answer.
A few minutes later…
“What time are we leaving?”
And then, not long after…
“What time are we leaving now?”
As a parent, I’ll admit there are times when I find myself thinking,
“I’ve already answered that!”
My son Oliver is a bit like this whenever we’re going somewhere important.
He hates being late.
If we’ve got somewhere to be, he’ll often ask the same question several times before we leave the house.
The funny thing is…
I don’t think he’s really asking about the time.
The question isn't always the question
Watching Oliver made me realise something I’ve noticed with lots of children over the years.
Children don’t always ask questions because they need more information.
Sometimes they’re looking for reassurance.
They already know the answer.
They’re just checking that nothing has changed.
That everything is still okay.
That the adults around them are still in control.
I see it at Theatretrain too
One of the questions nervous children often ask when they first arrive is:
“When is Mum coming back?”
The interesting part is that we’ve often already told them.
Sometimes more than once.
It’s tempting to think they weren’t listening.
But I don’t think that’s what’s happening.
I think they’re really asking something much deeper.
“Am I going to be okay?”
“Has the plan changed?”
“Can I trust what’s happening?”
The question they’re asking isn’t always the one they need answering.
Reassurance builds confidence
Over the years, I’ve learnt that repeating the answer is often much more helpful than becoming frustrated by the question.
Each calm response helps children feel a little more certain.
A little safer.
A little more able to cope with what’s coming next.
Then, as they experience that everything really is okay, they gradually stop needing to ask.
What can parents do?
If your child asks the same question several times, it can help to pause before answering.
Ask yourself:
“What are they really worried about?”
Sometimes they’re asking about the time.
Sometimes they’re asking whether you’ll be there.
Sometimes they’re asking if they’ll know anyone.
Sometimes they’re simply asking for reassurance that everything is going to be alright.
When we understand the worry underneath the question, our answer often changes too.
Instead of just saying,
“Three o’clock.”
We might say,
“Three o’clock. I’ll be here waiting for you, just like I said.”
Or,
“Nothing’s changed. Everything is still exactly as we planned.”
Those little additions often provide the reassurance children are really looking for.
The thing I've learnt
Confidence doesn’t usually appear all at once.
It grows through lots of small moments.
A reassuring answer.
A familiar routine.
A positive experience.
Then another.
And another.
Until one day, without anyone really noticing…
They stop asking.
Not because they no longer need information.
But because they no longer need reassurance.
